3.23

And we could just chalk it up to being "just one of those days." Yet how is it that a 24 hour time frame ends up being 2 years, or 4 years, or 10 for that matter?

3.24

New thought,(not mine, but it fits) new day.....5 years is a long time to stay in a shit-hole. Breathing becomes competitive as the opponent spews stench--blocking airwaves. But it is life, it is experience

It does become a challenge to disallow bitterness, re-affirm enjoyment, acknowledge others, and appreciate experience. Ends of a spectrum in constant rotation adding up to 360 degrees--good becoming bad, becoming good. You're either in a storm, coming out of a storm, or going into a storm.

Keep living becomes more than a saying. It can be a mantra--repeating it over and over to get over. Ramblings can be therapeutic, along with music and conversation. So called crazy person stands on street corner without cell phone speaking apparently to the wind. Bending knees, flaring arms about, as people pass to and fro; brave eyes lock in stare. Smile--it's an ice-breaker.

3.15

And we love to "drag it out". Senseless arguments, argued for the purpose of hearing sound. Amazing is the amount of sound that gets created. So particularly demanding is the sound of ignorance.

3.17

Saints, birthdays, arguments, undelivered gifts--who is, what is, why is? Continued are the rantings of a 30 something, 5 foot something, so called human being.

3.18

Waiting on that big blood vessel to pop! Someone, somewhere said it would stop. Now nursery rhymes are scary, monsters no longer matter and reflection of looks question sanity. Is anyone home? "I apologize, I believe there is a bad connection. Please excuse us the brain matter got off on the 13th floor"--But the building only has 7 floors???

Made choices have infinite possibilities of parallel lives. The universe changes and shifts dramatically on split second choosings. Decide! Decide! Decide! Quickly--Ouick-ly!! "I'm sorry, this user agreement expired during our last interaction" Good, Bad, Right, Wrong, or Indifferent--Choose!!

3.11

Psychologist say take time to take stock of that reflection staring back at you. And upon doing that, a list of flaws is viewed. Daily measures are made to correct the flaws as situations arise. It is failure when a flawed situation occurs and corrective action is not made?

Meditations in a mound of madness, attempting to find balance between matter and metaphysical. I think therefore I am is a difficult decree as on is inundated with the properties of gravity.

Recalling past situations of perceived success gives a false sense of the ability to re-create if the success wasn't measured tangibly. A thought remains just that without the onset of action--properly executed.

In a true compromise, neither side is happy. Some search for fairness on every level, others focus on the singleness of their own issue. Amazing is the use of scales in justice. It attempts to balance situations within lines that were drawn by flawed beings--majority rule mirrors mob rule when emotions are involved. Yet what situation isn't emotional?

Solitude can be a double-edged sword as connections in a society become greater and greater with the perception that there are no scissors. One has a need that can not be accomplished without the help of another. So one has to present self in an aspect that the other will accept. But this presentation may have to be the opposite of the true self in order to resolve the need.

So the hard-wire connection grows greater with each need and desire.


3.12

Weary of this fear factor. Racking brain cells for possibilities that may be solutions. Hope this ain't some damn mid-life crisis.

It's crazy to see possibilities with out reaching them. Don't know if it's some effect from all the years of smoking(weed). So closed off that the lack of meaningful relationships almost feels natural.

Got so cool on inebriation that I became sober. Got so cool on sobriety I miss being inebriated. And gettin' old, is a bytch!

3.9.10

Never have I felt more poor, broke, destitute, and impoverished than when I’m in Omaha. Never have I felt more incomplete, more worthless, and more inadequate, than when I’m within these city limits. Lack of imagination, creativity, and hope; replaced with excessive madness, excessive feeling of being manic, sorrow, and frustration.

A few days ago a thought crossed my mind—what if there is a heaven, and there is an actual God, and I actually make it there at least to be judged—and God doesn’t speak my language!? What then, granted, it would explain a lot, but really, what then?

What are these perpendicular lines that keep crossing each other creating train-wrecks at 360 degree angles? What is the deprivement of a self induced train-wreck with the support of such decadence that encompasses this city?

It is not solution based; there is complaining, and loudness, foul words, and pointing fingers, yet very few suggestions of solutions.

This city breeds cowardice, and glorifies the violence it produces; at the same time demonizes the perpetrators. Amazing is the rate of birth, consistent with the rate of disrespect, domestic violence, divorce, and the creation of single parent households.

You can not force tem to care. Punishment is as much a part of poverty as lack of money and resources. As justice and vengeance lie equally on the scales, lady liberty remains blinded with arms extended. There is no education in rehabilitation; if one is caged enough, they begin to exhibit the qualities of animals.

And so I fought, method 1—verbal at the community level. Outcome: misunderstanding and borderline disrespect. Method 2—educational at the city/county institutional level. Outcome: overachieved level of child’s communication and understanding, however lack of funds brings attention to other options.

Hence, one more blog of bitterness, hypocrisy, for lack of solutions—yet still there are feelings of inadequacy, trapped in quicksand. A pirate eye to the pinnacle, most time I just can’t see it. So tired of being sick, I got sick of being tired. Attempting to find enlightenment without the assistance of red and blue lights; I wait impatiently for time to end.



3.10.10

There is never enough time in the day when hourly rates weigh your worth. Financial goals are rarely reached through the “Economic Section” of the daily newspaper. Have become too wordy for readers, and too deep for listeners, so now a race to the finish; looking to double and triple steps, tripping over shoelaces—not enough time to tie sturdy knots.

Diary of a madman who looks past comments of an outside social world for validation. It may be a fool’s brilliance if there are only a few who get it. And this is fine, wonderful—as being passed over becomes passages for the book of life. Chapters become time-frames that feel like frozen earth as one lives through it.

To juggle this jungle and all living things that make it….So hard to just do your job when a system of values tells one to help when needed or necessary. So sanity becomes an obstacle, almost electing to go around it, rather than through it, or over it.

So strange a phenomena when the “hopeless” are the unknowing givers of hope. So strange, perceiving a future in its present state—struggling and succeeding.

There is no formula for life, but time equals distance divided by speed. Running out of time, not going fast enough, not getting far enough—success becomes suppressing as feelings of stagnation come upon…..